{"id":2815,"date":"2018-04-18T13:27:43","date_gmt":"2018-04-18T13:27:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.tele-encounters.com\/?p=2815"},"modified":"2018-07-18T10:18:29","modified_gmt":"2018-07-18T10:18:29","slug":"i-hope-i-was-able-to-transmit-to-my-children-a-different-way-to-look-at-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/i-hope-i-was-able-to-transmit-to-my-children-a-different-way-to-look-at-life\/","title":{"rendered":"I hope I was able to transmit to my children a different way to look at life (ES)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Q: How old are you?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: I am 47 years old. <\/span><\/p>\n

Q: How many years have you been away from your country?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: 10 years<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Do you have kids?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Yes, I have two. <\/span><\/p>\n

Q: What age are they?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: The girl is 20 and the boy will be 18 this year<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: How was your life before leaving your country? Did you have a job? How was your economical situation? How was your family life?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: A very quiet life (short laughter). I was, and still am a Professor in a University in Romania, at the north part of the country, called University of Suchava. There I used to teach History of Spanish Literature and Comparative Literature which was my passion. I have always worked. After I graduated I was an english teacher in an institute because I had got a double degree, and after one year I had the opportunity to apply for a job in my own University. My life was the normal life of a young university professor: conferences, exams\u2026 At that time my two children were born so I turned into being a mother, doctoral student, a professor\u2026 uff… complicated. <\/span><\/p>\n

On the other hand, I didn\u2019t like cities. My own town was greener, smaller, so every day I needed to commute from my city to the city where I worked. It wasn\u2019t a problem for me at that time. Now, when I think about it, it seems complicated\u2026 Back then it was the contrary. There were around 30 kilometers distance between these cities and, on the contrary, I considered it as a pleasant time away from my responsibilities as a mother and as a professor. I would mentalize myself that I was leaving the nappies behind and I turned into a professor on the way. I did that for a long time and, in fact, I was one of the professors who would always tell my pupils \u201cWe can\u2019t all leave Rumania, some of us need to stay to work for our country\u201d. I really talked from my heart, I was deeply convinced that if we all left, no one would be there to bring progress to our country. In my speech I would always say that if you migrate, you will probably get adapted but deep inside, because of your native language, your roots you will always keep being Romanian. <\/span><\/p>\n

Later I got a degree in Spanish Language, a Master degree, a PHD\u2026 I had accomplished everything from a professional point of view. Some time later I felt highly demotivated from a professional and a personal point of view. I felt trapped in a very \u201ccorrect\u201d marriage but that was not working… I felt I needed a change, a very radical change indeed with no possibility of going back. As I had always dreamt about New Zealand, it had to be a true change. With my ex husband we wouldn\u2019t speak about that. Then I thought in my children who already were 16 and 18 years old. My daughter had the chance to travel to Chile for two years with my parents who, because of their jobs had to go there and took her to show her other realities. Then I felt that it was a very long distance for them, so I had to look for something nearer. There appeared the possibility of a job in Alicante in 2008\u2026 I submitted my CV without much enthusiasm, because Spain was not one of my choices. I did it almost against my will, without trusting I would get it. And I got the job. After I got the job, I got a map to see where it was located and when I saw it was next to the sea, I thought it was a poetical site. <\/span><\/p>\n

It was very sudden: I was accepted in July and in September I needed to start. At the beginning I went without the children because I didn\u2019t really know what I would find there. I still don\u2019t know if that first year was the best year of my life or the worst\u2026 I remember I went back to Rumania seven times during the course (every 1 month and a half approximately).<\/span><\/p>\n

I was less time in my house than travelling: it is 8 hours by train. When I arrived I would kiss the children, sleep one night with them and then I needed to go back to Spain. And meanwhile, trying to convince my ex husband that the children should be with me, that it would be better for them but he did not accept to sign the authorization.<\/span><\/p>\n

One year later I got divorced. It wasn\u2019t because I needed the divorce but because I wanted to be with the children and was not ready to give them up. I took them on holidays with me while I got the divorce in Romania, during one year it was a very complicated situation, I was in Spain. <\/span><\/p>\n

In June, during my second year in Alicante, the University closed the grades of my classes. So I was with my children who already could speak three languages as they had learnt \u201cValenciano\u201d and my daughter had learnt spanish while she was in Chile. The boy talked very well too, he learned a C1 level in a year.<\/span><\/p>\n

Everything was under control: they attended a very good institute, our house was very close to their school\u2026 everything was under control except my job. I had worked all my life in the academic circle and was not ready to think about myself doing anything else. So I left everything and returned to Romania.<\/span><\/p>\n

Meanwhile, the Romanian Education Ministry opened another readership in Granada but we already were back in Romania. I applied for that vacancy, I got it, therefore I returned to Spain, to Granada after one year, with my daughter who at that time was 14 years old, a complicated age. They had loved Alicante but Granada was a nightmare for my daughter. She had left her friends in Romania, children in Granada did not easily accept her\u2026 She didn\u2019t get adapted, she suffered. I tried to find another school, I always convinced her to stay for one more month but when we returned to Romania for Christmas, she decided to stay in spite of already having her return ticket.<\/span><\/p>\n

A complicated phase started: do we stay in Spain or go back to Romania? During 4 years I spent time with both kids in Spain, some periods with the boy in Romania, other periods with the girl in Romania\u2026 It was terrible.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Meanwhile your son was always with your ex husband? <\/span><\/p>\n

A: Yes, always. With my ex husband and all of his grandparents: my parents and my ex husband\u2019s parents that all lived in the same city.<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally my daughter finished her studies in Romania and didn\u2019t accept to start her University at Granada. For me it was disastrous.<\/span><\/p>\n

This was two years ago and I still think it would have been much better for them to come. It would have been good for them to leave in a country so much different from ours so as to learn what is life like in a \u201cnormal\u201d country. So that they would be able to build something in their own country based in systemic model. When I compare Spain against Romania, Spain is much better in a lot of aspects and it is important to learn. My children do not have this reference, maybe I was not firm enough. My husband always insisted in remaining in Romania, with its subsidies\u2026 That is his philosophy of life. I lost.<\/span><\/p>\n

At present, with Skype, cellular phones, we keep in touch. I try to travel more to Romania than insist on their coming to Spain. Apart from that, in Romania I have got my parents, my friends, my mates, my music, my jokes, it is very difficult to make jokes in another language and culture\u2026 I sometimes think of an irony or a joke and I suppress myself thinking the other person might not understand it the same way. I sometimes think of this personal \u201cdisaster\u201d which I am not sure off as my professional career has given me more satisfactions that I could have ever dreamt of in my country. I am not sure if it compensates or not, or if they are two different realities but I know that professionally I have grown a lot.<\/span><\/p>\n

I have changed a lot as well: I used to be very \u201cmachista\u201d and escaped from it, and I hope I was able to transmit to my children a different way to look at life, a change of mentality; my kids are not homophobic as most of their companions, my daughter is quite a feminist, my son is a feminist as well so I hope that at least that I have been able to transmit it to them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: How was your relationship with your neighbours in Romania? Do you think that the relationship between the citizens and the Police, the Town Hall is similar in Spain?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Not at all! I am not a normal citizen, as I was a University professor I was highly respected. The Police, the Town Hall \u2026 the Mayor was 4 years older than me, we have grown up together. I didn\u2019t have an inferiority complex regarding the authority. My driving license was taken and I took the case to Court and I won. We have a culture based on terror, my generation still knows it. The lowest your culture or social class the highest the sense of fear towards authority. This pyramid of power still remains. The boss is the one who decides everything, you are just a worker. And that sense of fear exists at your work, with the authorities, any support structure\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Is the social class taken into consideration?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: A lot. <\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Was it easier for you that you were a university professor and that your looks indicate you do not work the land? Does that influence the relationships among people?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Of course! From the car you own, your clothes, your cellular phone are the indications… sad as it may be, all that indicates that you have certain power. In these cases in Romania it is much easier to get a privileged situation. The criteria are missing.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Some other people we have interviewed have told us that after having lived in Spain or other countries, when they returned to Romania because their parents get older, for example, they have taken their parents to the doctor and people with power have skipped positions in order to be served first or they got better attention depending on their social class. Have you felt that way?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Of course! I left my country for three reasons: the educational system to which I belonged, I wasn\u2019t able to communicate, answers were always monosyllables. The same happens with my son. In order to improve communication with him who will be 18 years old, please do not tell him but I am writing a book for him because he doesn\u2019t listen to me. It is a book of maternal wisdom. For example I write about Love: what do I think about Love; Family; Native language, etc. Do you imagine my writing a book? Do you think he is going to read it? I don\u2019t have a good communication with them. If they have a critical moment, they call me and then I know I have to leave everything, even if I am in a meeting, because it is a moment when they really need me. The daily communication is through Facebook and WhatsApp.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Through Facebook do you communicate or simply see the pictures they upload, the places they visit, etc?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Not even that! They have their private groups and I cannot see any pictures. I have even downloaded Snapchat but I don\u2019t know how it works and cannot control them through that tool. I don\u2019t see anything but I write to them, and when they have some free time they answer back.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: What about your parents?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: My father died this month. He died on December 22nd. He wasn\u2019t my biological father but he brought me up and my mother who looked after him because of his heart disease, could not travel to visit me. Now she won\u2019t be able to travel because of a period of mourning we all have to respect. She will need to decide what to do now, with a freedom she was not looking for. I have bought her a phone and downloaded WhatsApp and now we communicate daily and share photos and videos and can check on her at this difficult moment for her.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Was there any moment since you arrived in Spain, when Whatsapp and social medias did not exist that you needed to communicate with your family and it wasn\u2019t possible?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: It has been terrible. When I arrived in 2008, one minute on the phone with Romania costed 3 euros. I would spend 10 euros and could speak less than 5 minutes. There was a company in Romania called Digi which had an agreement but it was really very hard. That is why I travelled every month.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Is there anything that you need nowadays to communicate with your children, your mother?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: I only need my children to be available (laughter).<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: You have mentioned that with your mother your communicate daily. With your children through social networks as well?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: My daughter has a Spanish phone plan which I pay for with a lot of gigas, minutes, etc in order to communicate without problem. That has brought her some local problems because her friends or the university cannot phone her. My son will communicate only when he has a critical problem which happens every two years. With all the rest I communicate through Digi. I spend about 200 euros in different contracts of internet and phone companies.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Apart from the book you are writing for your son without him knowing, have you written any letters?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: While my son was going through a difficult situation, I wrote a daily letter to him which I sent by mail (not electronic mail). For a birthday I sent him a Jar full of messages. I love writing letters.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: I can see that. Have there been moments when you wanted to discuss certain subjects with adult people – your husband, parents, etc – without the children knowing?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: It has been the other way round. I have needed to talk to the kids without other people knowing. With my ex husband we have developed a very nice friendship: I know his new wife and he knows my husband and we talk about the kids and have a nice time together. I highly respect him because he has been responsible for bringing up our children. I also feel grateful to his wife who is doing my job in all the house chores. I am in a difficult position: I might sometimes dislike some of the things they do but I cannot criticize because I am not there. So everything they decide or do will be fine with me because I can\u2019t do anything.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Do you communicate with your friends in Spain with WhatsApp, Facebook, etc ?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Yes. I communicate with my friends, my work mates\u2026 Going out for a drink is typical in Spain and I practice it. That is not so in Romania.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Has it been difficult for your mother to get adapted to WhatsApp?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Yes, a lot. She even has Facebook but is afraid of making mistakes. She doesn\u2019t have such a need either. For those of us who are far away, Facebook is essential even for your political or social life.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Do you remember the first conversation you had with your parents when you arrived in Spain? Can you tell me what it was about.<\/span><\/p>\n

A: They were in Chile, in a worst situation than mine. I was never attracted by Chile. When they left I got married and then then I had my children\u2026 It was another phase of life. I remember telling them first that I had a course, then that I had passed, and when I arrived in Alicante they felt really proud. They were happier than myself. <\/span><\/p>\n

Q: would you like to talk to your mother more frequently?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: I would like her to understand me better. We talk a lot but there is a generational difference which keeps us apart <\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Do you call her first or does she?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: She doesn\u2019t want to bother me, she doesn\u2019t want to interrupt me so I call her when I am available.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: What did you talk about the last time that you talked?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: About the psychologist she has found for my daughter, she is worried about my daughter who is going through a hard problem. This keeps her busy. Then I always try to make her laugh because we are good at it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: When you call her is she normally alone or with somebody else in the room?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Mostly alone. My mother has always socialized a lot. She has a high level of culture. She used to be a cartographist and has travelled a lot.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Have you ever felt that you needed to talk to her face to face and the phone or internet were not the appropriate means?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: No, I haven\u2019t felt the need. Relationships between parents and kids in Romania are very different, much more distant. A child in Romania only dreams of his independence, leave his parents home. As we live in a university residence it is very normal that the children will go to share an apartment with friends instead of living with their parents. I myself went on my own to study to Suceava when I was 14 years old. During my high school, as I didn\u2019t get adapted to living as an intern (there were eight girls sharing a room), I lived with different families renting a room.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Has your mother ever travelled to Spain?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: She travelled to Alicante. After 6 years she travelled to visit me again because with a friend we wrote a script and included her there. She felt she was needed close to my father.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: What was her opini\u00f3n about Spain in her different visits?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: My mother loves Spain. As she speaks the spanish she learnt in Chile, when we go to the market it is very funny because the names differ. She has a great time every time she comes, she makes friends easily.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: When your parents went to Chile was it for an economical need, a job?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: My father was a geologist. My mother was a cartographist so they worked together. He got a lot of money working for a company dedicated to land valuation. His salary was higher than that of an engineer. My parents have a very good economic situation due to the years they worked in Chile.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Do you think that once that you decided to migrate to Spain, the lives of your relatives in Romania was better?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: In regards to money, of course. From a point of view of feelings and relationships, not at all.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: And that is what brings you to the conflict if it was worth coming or not?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: No, I already have my answer. It is not only related to my trip to Granada because I always had to leave my children to attend a Congress, for my PHD, to write an article, etc. The life of a woman and mother who is a scientist or academic is very different from the case of a man\/father. At least in Romania. So I constantly made sacrifices. When I got my PHD, my daughter was 10 and my son was 7 and I took them with me to defend my thesis. After my thesis my daughter inquired if all those hours and life that I had spent was just for 30 minutes presentation. They were expecting something more. Two years ago I was able to relax as I assumed that I could not possibly be the mother that my society imposed. On the other hand I expect that seeing all the effort I have made studying and working, my kids get that message as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Regarding your friends that have remained in Romania, have you been able to follow their personal and professional progress? Do you think it has been better for those who remained or for those who left?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: No, I think we cannot make that comparison. There are people who can leave their country without suffering every second, and there are others who would suffer leaving their country and it is ok for them to remain. My friends who stayed in Romania have progressed and have a good life. Only they know how they accomplished that and if it is correct or not, I do not care. Which are the parameters? Having a better car? My friends would probably not survive my life here with this remoteness from family. In my case, after solving all the guilt I felt regarding my children, I live perfectly well here and I want to remain working here. <\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Did you know the spanish language before coming?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: I knew it but had never employed it. I felt ridiculous. I learnt spanish when I was 35 years old. I have never been good at learning foreign languages. I cannot sing either. There is an important connection between having a good ear for music and learning languages and I am no good. In order to learn english I have filled in thousands of copybooks. Imagine how I felt with Spanish which I started at another age. I felt completely ridiculous when I spoke it. When I arrived in Alicante I managed in English, imagine that! \u00a0When I arrived in Granada, as you might well imagine, the people here do not dominate it. I have passed from the correct spanish spoken in Alicante to the spanish of Andaluc\u00eda and I have found it very funny. I remember my first conversation with my landlady.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: When you speak with your mother or your children, do you use spanish or your native language?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: No, romanian, my native language. My son does a funny thing: he translates spanish expressions into romanian which makes no sense at all. \u00a0If you do not dominate the language you cannot enjoy lots of things but the native language is important and you will never be able to change it; it is for your whole life.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: and now that you have lived in Spain do you think and dream in spanish?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Yes! But that started a long time ago, even when my language was worse. It is curious but I started to dream in spanish even when I had not dominated that language.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: What about your friends in Spain? Are they Spanish or do you have foreign friends?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: I have many Romanian friends in Granada, C\u00f3rdoba, M\u00e1laga which I met through these associations. Before joining my association I had two romanian friends. It moves me into tears now that I talk to you because they are people with dignity. You have made me cry (sobbing) even if I was not talking about my children. I love them very much and maybe someday I write about them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Do you practice any activities together? Through these associations?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Yes, a lot of activities. And I try to be present because usually the romanian population that settled in Andalucia are related to agriculture and they feel pride of having a romanian professor that has arrived to teach in a University dedicated to them, it means that they are worthy as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: They are part of a successful process\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

A: I don\u2019t know if that is the reason but I feel valuable when I get there, as a simple romanian and I try to share some food\u2026 I also have foreign friends because I work in a University of translation and there are a lot of graduates which are translators, there are a lot of foreign colleagues as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Comparing the period of time you had originally planned to stay in Spain against the real one, do you think it has been too much? Are you planning to stay longer?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: I will remain, doing whatever is necessary, cooking pizzas if necessary. I had not expected to be here for so long.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: After all that we have talked I understand that if you had the ability to go back in time, maybe the only thing you would change would be the situation which your children have gone through , isn\u2019t that so? Would you change anything else?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: No, I would stay cleaning houses for one year. I have had this thought in my mind for too much time. I understand now that they have got adapted. In the end I have realized that when I allowed them to return to Romania I avoided them from feeling guilty. It is important to have the presence of your parents. They know they can count on me, in fact if they need me I can get the next flight to be there. Their father has a style that would have kept them much apart. Now I feel it was fine this way and that my children have taken the right decision. Now they have both their parents.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Now that you have spent such a long time in Spain have you thought about going to any other country different from Romania?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: It might be for a short experience. I would return to Granada, not even Seville or Madrid.<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Have you thought of returning to Romania?<\/span><\/p>\n

A: When I retire and in the summer (laughing).<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: Well, that is all, thanks for your time.<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Thank you for your patience<\/span><\/p>\n

Q: I\u2019m sorry that I made you cry. Sometimes when someone cries it shows that they have felt comfortable in a country that is not theirs<\/span><\/p>\n

A: Excuse me: MY Granada is mine. It has become mine. I haven\u2019t done anything it has turned mine by its own. So I have two countries: I was born and raised in one but someone has given me a second country as a gift.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: How old are you? A: I am 47 years old. Q: How many years have you been away from your country? […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[31],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2815"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2815"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2815\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3411,"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2815\/revisions\/3411"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2815"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2815"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2815"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tele-encounters-beyond.eu\/tele-encounters.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=2815"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}